finally

hallo. na?

it's finally here. me and a computer together...sogar mit internet! because it took far too long for this to happen (you'd think germany would be more up on these things, no?) and because i'm working with a german keyboard (z and y positions swapped, shift and ' in the wrong place, still can't find the 'at' symbol and thus can't log onto mzspace, er, myspace) this will probably be a haphazard post. also it's my first ever blog experience. eek.

all that said here's the news. after an incredibly emotional last week in boston i boarded a klm royal dutch airlines flight out of logan with tissues in hand and a bag full of antibiotics, advil, tylenol pm, and giant water bottle. heart swollen against the sides of my ribcage just like my tonsils against my throat (but without the white spots). It hurts like hell to swallow like the feeling of four months pressing on my chest.

that's the tough thing about the beginning. there's nothing to calm the dread of long term commitment. i know beginnings are the hardest, i've done this before. i just have to keep reminding myself. it makes me think i understand artists better. like what would help is to have something personal to work on, to go home to in my little room and throw myself into. some expression other than social, because social's not what i got right now. but, as always when i feel this way, i know that eventually the social aspect will grow and i won't have time or energy for creation. god, is that really the only way i work? we'll see...

god, this is a little weird, this 'writing to the world' thing. i must admit i'm a little self conscious.

but what about the details? that's what you all want to know anyway, right? first off, bremen is about the population of boston...not counting cambridge, brookline, etc. so in other words it's a bit smaller. and the downtown is definitely smaller. but so much older. i'll post pictures soon. my apartment is in a not so cute neighborhood, but it's at least an easy walk to the office downtown. i live with one other girl, a grad student from eritrea who speaks only english! She's been very kind and helpful and is not the 6 foot large-lipped model i envisioned (duh) but rather definitively shorter than me with a soothing voice. what language do they speak in eritrea i wonder?

living on my own like this is completely more comfortable than my previous family life situation in berlin three years ago. i went grocery shopping yesterday (first i had to wander about aimlessly to find a store) and cooked a little meal in our little kitchen. I'm feeling so disconnected without a computer, cell phone, or even speakers for my walkman. I can only listen to music inside my head. I fried my alarm clock and the cord to my speakers already, thinking I had the right kind of transformer for this damned European voltage. Fortunately though, that forced me to turn on the radio and as I was flipping through I caught the german pronounced words: 'camera obscura'. 'Ha!' I thought, wouldn't that be amazing if they were actually talking about the band. something made me go back and sure enough...that's what they were playing. Followed shortly by talula gosh, casiotone for the painfully alone, morrissey...so they're out there, I just have to find them.

That, I must say, is one of the more difficult aspects of moving somewhere completely new. Finding your niche, the one that makes you feel safe, cool, at home. Wandering around the first couple times everyone just looked so ... so ... foreign...but in this oddly undesirable sort of way. uncool. not like going to Italy (as I imagine it) and seeing beautiful stylish foreigners who you could only hope to emulate. So this has made my hipster sonar come into its own - eyes peeled for a white belt, racer bike (all the bikes here are so weird...hugely tall, with ugly handlebars). and the shoes, it's amazing what you can tell about someone by their shoes. Nationality especially. At any rate, I'm beginning to get a sense that what I'm looking for is out there. For one thing the people at work. The office looks like, well, a design firm. Open spaces and young hip kids posing as professionals in jeans. There's really only 8 or so of us total. The big boss, Florian, who I met in Boston last December (remember the leftover pepper-encrusted tuna you stallions?) is out of town...actually in Amsterdam where the other office is. Oh and I think I found the district, known as 'Der Viertel', simply 'THE quarter' where the cool kids live. Little german williamsburg.

Data entry and slide scanning today. Better than making coffee I suppose. Feels good to do simple mindless work though after thinking about what to say all the time.

psst. thanks for listening. it makes me feel more alive.