backtrack

I'm trying to get through this workday...simply feeling wiped out...no energy or joy. Can't quite figure out why. But here's an entry from a few days ago when things were cheerier. Maybe it'll cheer me up too.

06 10 06

What a beautiful day!

I had dreams, weird dreams of course, of Escondido last night. But it was all dark and I couldn't even see the road I was trying to drive on and the Bailey/Greg mixture sitting in the passenger seat was the only other person I knew there. I kept trying to figure out what street it was to prove that I still knew all the streets and corners of my hometown but I just couldn't see a damn thing.

The summer has finally really come to Bremen. Yesterday near the Kunsthochschule campus (art school) by the old docks and warehouses we watched germany beat costa rica in the first game of the world cup. On TV of course. This morning I made breakfast then rode my bike around .. found the 'beach' at Werdersee where i peeled off my sweaty clothes and lay in the sun in my bathing suit eating strawberries and reading a letter from lindsay. Rode back through schrebergärten, into the Viertel to look for second hand stores, then home to a shower and that clean warm feeling of sun residue. Lindsay sent me exactly what I was missing: Regina Spektor's new album! And she was right, I am immensely enjoying it.

All the same, being alone is a constant pushing and doubting and hiding process for me in a new place. I like it when I've already established a predictability and familiarity with a place but here just going out alone is so much more work. I don't think about each step when I'm with friends.

But oh summer. Seeing the light lower and shine through the backs of big leafy trees. There is a dove cooing and the sound of someone watering a lawn. How could I feel so nostalgic about neighborhoods? Escondido sidewalks, evening walks with mom. The smell of dinner being prepared inside the neighbors' houses, guys in wife beaters polishing their chrome rims on those big old american cars with the tassles and mexican flags. Suds filling the gutter. Or what about virginia? new york state? so much grass and green and ice cream stands and long twilight hours and fireflies. That's the America I miss. But I think I miss it in Boston almost as much as I do here. I think it's maybe a childhood summer that I miss.

After dance class yesterday the girls were trying to figure out what nationality I resemble. "You just don't look American" they agreed, "You don't seem American, you don't carry yourself like an American". I tried to explain that I know a lot of people, Americans, who I would say the same about. They eventually narrowed it down from 'Northern European' to 'possibly scandinavian?'. I must say I'm flattered. I think my name helps.




okay, I'm going to make it through this sucker. Some days....

sun in june !

The pictures on my camera from the last three days are of greg eating salmon and penne on my balcony, greg biting into a bratwurst, greg ona bike in the park. Greg's vacation in Bremen. His arrival at the train station was surreal. Suddenly amid the crowd of strangers was a familiar pair of shoes, sweatshirt and scruffy smile. His being here has been a confirmation that I'M here. The continuity of connecting my past and present, home and adventure. When Greg stepped off the train the sun came out and the billowing clouds drew aside and we traversed the city, shining in its post-stormy, renewed dewy glory. ah me. All the drama aside though, it does help to have someone familiar step into my life here and tell me "goddamn greta, you've got it good". Because it's true.

And this is a beautiful city. We've eaten bratwurst and apples, photographed the cobblestones, seen the river and animals in the park. Ridden bicycles, stayed out late. Stumbled upon a DIY pedestrian-tunnel rock show, discovered "indie-mile", as well as the internet cafe that stole my iTunes, made friends, bought cheap flea market apparel, and enjoyed our opened alcoholic beverages in public outdoor places. We also spent many Euros, got exhausted and grumpy, and come home reeking of cigarette smoke. Greg has taught little german boys tricks on their skateboards, has entered no less than three public park two-man soccer games, made friends at bars -- all speaking not a word of german. or maybe one or two I guess. so simply. just did it.

Monday we went to Hamburg for the day...to see a bigger city. The sun came out! Sitting over late breakfast with my friends Katja and Sven we laughed and discussed soccer, politics, food and love. Greg hopped a train to Berlin, I got on one heading back home, to Bremen.

The following two weeks are stretched out in front of me, slack and taut at the same time. I am busy at work finally, if not entirely at ease. Every day gets checked off on the calendar because on June 20th I will be boarding an aeroplane (teleporting device) to boston, massachusetts. There I will fly into the arms of my love and be whisked away on a week long parade of adventure, camping, dresses, marriage, family, photographs and high spirits. Hard to sit still even thinking about it.