still raining!

long weekend. oddly exhausting. lots of rain and questions and german german german. finally. Really enjoying seeing familiar faces in Velbert, and also really enjoying being able to get on the train by myself and come "home" to my little room.

highlights: walking through dripping wet woods with Philipp and their new wild puppy, Ben. Getting fed incredible home cooked meals from a mom, every afternoon. Also all those totally normal moments, driving around, hanging out, walking out of a movie into a theater foyer that could have been anywhere -- being in all these moments and then pinching myself :: I'm in Germany and it's totally normal. By far the best moments were going to Oma and Opa's house on Friday for Father's Day Kaffee & Kuchen. Philipp's grandparents are originally from what is now southern Poland, near where my grandma Trudy's framily is from I believe. Bohemia. When they grew up it was part of Germany, before the second world war. They eventually made it all the way up to modern, industrial Nord Rhein Westfalen in Western Germany. They welcomed us into their living room with three cakes layed out and coffee in china cups and doilies and kisses and handshakes. We had already met and, just like last time I was there, they both looked at each other and said to me "you're so thin! Isn't she thin?! She used to be fatter". Philipp sort of cringed, but I could only laugh and help myself to another piece of cake! Once the cakes had been properly devoured by the whole family - Philipp's parents, two sisters, grandparents and very pregnant, very sweet aunt Brigitte - Oma cleared the table, only to return with two platters of chips, a bowl of gummi candy, a bowl of chocolates and a bottle of schnapps. After politely refusing a glass of pear schnapps, a search ensued to find some kind of liquor for the picky American visitor. I ended up drinking two rounds of Ouzo (delicious and hefty anis flavored Greek liquor) with Oma!

Three days later Brigitte gave birth to a little boy named Laurenz, and I was back on a train across the flat green wet land to Bremen.

So many babies! I'm sitting eating tomato soup at a cafe and at the table next to me an adult daughter is showing ultrasounds to her mother and complaining about the weather.

<< Weine nicht wenn der Regen fällt, ba bum! ba bum! >>

It was very nice to get out of my direct surroundings for a bit though, if only just to see the land. After landing in Bremen Airport and only being right in the city it has been hard to order myself in the world at large. To figure out where I am. Natural surroundings - fields, trees, barns - they help.

I was trying to describe this to Philipp, this fascinating european phenomenon. The coutry to city relationship that I think we all know about but which has been especially interesting to re-examine. In Philipp's region, as in much of Germany, in order to get between two cities, you drive out of one and then suddenly find yourself in old old countryside, with brick barnhouses and stone walls and sheep and rolling fields and modern windmills. Real rural country. Then the road drops into a valley or meanders along a river, and suddenly you're in a cultural center again, a city with designer jeans and DSL and a movie theater. Everything is integrated somehow, in this way that feels entirely different from our expansive federal republic, where cornfields stretch on and on with only a grain elevator and an Agway in between and in order to get a good, well-ground and pressed cup of espresso you have to get on a plane. Sure, it's not quite this extreme, but one thing I find especially interesting is the familiarity any European must have with "real land". Food growing for instance. Open fields. Whereas think of all those people in Northern New Jersey who see a hay bale and whip out the camera. (Come on, Matt, I've seen you do it). And is it jumping too far to say that this might make for better consumers? Or just people with more dynamic relationships to the land? Instead of (roughly speaking) one group of people who know agriculture (and understand economic/practical factors related to agriculture) and one group who know only the consumption end (what's cheapest? most convenient? tastes best? most healthy?) I feel like I could draw better conclusions in conversation I guess and I'm not about to write an essay. But because I'm actually living someplace totally new I can't help but look at people and instead of thinking "why are we different?" actually delve into the questions of environment, culture, history and language to consider why a fork is held as it is and trash separated a certain way. So many things are born out of so many things that eventually the ideas of labels and categorization, although fascinating and tempting, often end up falling away into a sea of romantic big-picture impressions. So be it.

Okay, rambling done now. Check out this website for a good time. Yes, that's my uncle.

three weeks

So I've been here three weeks as of today. Huh. Sort of a long time.

News: I sort of have friends. My flatmate, Eden, and her Ukrainian friend, Polina, and I have been cozy lately, renting dvds on rainy evenings, cooking for each other. Saturday morning I made pancakes with hot peaches and joghurt and maple syrup. Polina cooked salmon for us Saturday night, last night Eden prepared traditional Ethiopian sauces. Mmm. We're from all over the place, living in Germany and speaking English. Missing our boyfriends. Being girls together. It's nice.



I skinned my knees on the cobblestones the other day when I crashed my bike. I know. Yuck. I was trying to do too many things at once I guess, pushing my limits. I left the house before it started raining and then went to the library, filled my bag with books and set out into the blustery wet impending doom. Trying to cross a wet cobblestone street behind a streetcar, not going directly perpendicular across the tracks my back wheel got stuck in the groove and I went down...completely. Like half-way through the fall I thought somehow I was going to catch myself but the sidewalk just kept flying closer and it was a total wipe out. Ugh. Rain pouring down, busy street corner, I could just feel all eyes on me. This insanely friendly insanely good-looking guy (maybe everything was just insane in that moment) came running over, handing me my moleskine and asking over and over again, "Alles in Ordnung? Alles in Ordnung?". I wanted to hug him. Instead I just meekly assured him I was fine and shuffled off into the downpour to buy band-aids and neosporin.

Saturday night I finally experienced a German disco, although luckily a better than typical one. With bodies thumping to the Cure and the White Stripes I somehow managed to let go and just dive onto the dance floor. Sweating and sleepy we staggered home in the wee hours. But only after a stop for Döner (Turkish fast food) at 3am.

I miss American cafe culture, as strange as that may sound. I can't relax at most places here. It's not about sitting and disappearing into your book or laptop here. People actually just talk to each other (haha!) or finish their espresso and leave. I'm still looking for a relaxing place to just settle in for the afternoon by myself.

What are you up to? Please leave me a comment!

the remains of the day

So yesterday two wonderful things happened. One: I got mail. Two: I got my bike fixed.

The downstairs neighbor just happens to be a total bike nerd, a mechanical engineer, and a pretty nice guy. He agreed to help, after I tried explaining in broken german about my broken bike. The chain had mysteriously frozen up on me while riding it home from the flea market, stopping the wheels from turning with the potential to have flung me over the handlebars if I had been going any faster. At any rate I was totally scared to ride it after that but had no idea what was wrong. Oliver and me (well really just Oliver while I stood watching and biting my nails) proceeded to dismantle part after part, finding at each step some wildly dangerous malady. "Oh!" he kept saying, "that's no good...that's very dangerous." I think he really just wanted to throw the bike in the dumpster. Then, however, after quizzically examining the bent and completely un-parallel gear shifter thingy (pictured) we decided, what the hell, it can't be fixed so let's just take it off. He looked at me and said, "you know, SOME people actually prefer to ride this way and actually fix the one gear to the back wheel so that...." all I could do was smile and say, "you know, I HAVE heard of that." There was hardly a piece of that bike left untouched a couple hours later and now I think it should be good to ride. Oliver even said he'd buy it off me when I go home.

Today it rained hard though, so I haven't really even gotten to ride it yet.

I'm bummed I won't be able to make it to the Neko Case concert. man. everything cool happens in Hamburg.

Sommer vorm Balkon

I went to the movies last night. A small independent theatre close to my apartment. The little auditorium had red velvet seats and curtains and friendly couples shuffled in with beer or coffee cups in hand. Half an hour of advertising - mostly for cigarettes - and previews. I can't stand dubbed movies so I went to a German film. German movies are so much less like movies somehow, and more like real life. Maybe that's because they don't have as much practice as hollywood and all the american filmmakers who have been influenced by hollywood. At any rate, it was quite good and I got to see Berlin on the screen again and feel like I was out doing something.

I have been happier doing things alone lately. Able to appreciate it again I guess.

Monday night I went to a dance class with a girl from work. I was so thrilled that she even offered that I didn't care what kind of thing I was getting myself into. I just wanted to get to know her...to talk to somebody!! The building it's in was a good sign from the beginning...cafe, venue, dance studio on the top floor. Big windows looking out over gabled tiled rooftops. What followed was two hours of crazy stretching, positioning, ankle grabbing, sweating, grunting, nervous glancing-about and certainly a small amount of embarassment. But surprisingly little actually. It was wonderful! I've been stiff for two days straight since and when I woke up yesterday morning it hurt to take deep breaths. I can't wait to go back.

I'm constructing a giant calendar for my wall out of little paper squares.
I'm going to get the bike I bought fixed. (Oh yeah, I bought a bike, but I'm afraid to ride it still because I think it might be kaputt)

I need to find a good book to read. Does anyone have suggestions? I want something exciting, romantic, youthful, fascinating, and american. haha! yeah none of you probably read such trash but in case you stumble across something let me know.

I keep having weird dreams. Baby bears, deathly illnesses...

Some of the student work I've been filing is really quite inspiring. And some is just fun. Yesterday I discovered this project these kids did in L.A. called "The King Has..." which involves exposed secrets (a common theme these days).

Unfortunately much of my time at work is spent surfing the web when I don't have assignments to be doing. Like all day today. But I found this site that is sort of like CraigsList for this area where you can search for carpool oppportunities. It's awesome though because these people are like, "Hey, my girlfriend and I are driving to the French Riviera next weekend in our van and if you want to come along and help us pay for gas give us a call!", or "Who needs a ride to Italy next month?" Oh the possibilities...I posted asking if anyone's driving to Hamburg for the Neko Case concert tomorrow night and haven't heard back yet. Keeping those fingers crossed though.

okay

barbecueing (sp.?) is practically a national sport here. but then again if I'm going to mention national sports then I should also mention that the red sox have NOTHING on german soccer fans. duh. go werder!

I gotta go but I put up a couple more pictures.

lift part one

I think I maybe broke my camera. no that's not true but maybe the memory card is done. when it was connected to the computer I opened the disk utility thing and sort of, er, erased the camera hard disk thingy. anyway, when I turn it on now it says 'don't format' but won't take any pictures and the only thing I can do is format the card. But I'm afraid to. anyway, big news for the big world out there, huh?

Oh also I tried to open a bottle of wine last night with a normal cork screw...you know the kind that's just a screw attached to a wooden handle. Yeah. No way that sucker's coming out no matter how hard I pull. Oh the mysteries of living alone. I haven't seen my roommate in two days, we just miss each other by sleeping and working.

Finally found a really great internet cafe. It's down a little leafy pretty street off the main drag in 'the quarter' and there's hardly anything on the walls, big, empy, good music? you know the type. From the outside I didn't even realize there was anything there, except that the address was right.

Other tidbits...
I read a funny article about bikes in a german magazine. I must quote:
The following are a list of costs owed to the police for each kind of ticket:
riding with another person on either the front or back axel: 5 euro
two people riding alongside each other: 15 euro
riding without functioning light, brakes, etc: 15 euro
talking on the phone while riding a bike: 25 euro
riding drunken: they'll take away your driver's licence.
uh-huh.
plus the magazine had a nice section on the dangers of bicycle riding on men. A new italian/american study proves that 5% of hobby-bike-riders develop impotence, which they can never, ever be rid of. Urologist Irwin Goldstein warns: There are two types of male bikeriders. Those who are impotent and those who will become so. Watch out stallions!!

But what is this for news anyway?? Carleton, this may become indeed harder than I thought.

Work is still pretty awkward for me somehow. too shy to show myself as myself 'auf deutsch'. plus there's so little for me to do that it feels sort of silly.

I got my aufenthalterlaubnis. That's my permit to live and work here as a foreigner. It was ridiculous how they let things fly - not having the right health insurance information, not waiting to do a background check. That american passport will sure pave the way in this world. We are the fortunate ones.

I'm starting to see my timeframe more realistically I think. It's really not unending. Just this thing I'm doing for awhile. I'm currently drinking my first Beck's in the grand city it was brewed in. Did you all know that Beck's comes from Bremen?

erg

first hump over. second one looks even bigger, but how can that be?
I feel a bit rushed writing here at work and for some reason I always have to be in exactly the right mood to write what I want to. or say what i want to on the phone.

so just for now one thing:
if you write me a letter, I promise to write one back. real paper. you letter writers know who you are.

here's the address:

bornstr. 59
28195 bremen
germany

I haven't gotten any mail yet. don't you want to be the first?

Eiskaffee macht alles besser...

I have to rub my wrists around a bit from a long day of mouse.clicking. cut. paste. cut. paste.

As of today I'm officially a resident of Bremen. A Bremerin. I had to take the Straßenbahn out to the 'Bürger Service Center' to register myself. I sat in an office that came straight out of a Wes Anderson movie. Big friendly middle-aged, curly-haired German man behind his desk piled high with papers and knick-knacks. Leather Rucksack on the chair. Old old advertising posters on the wall. Anyway, he asked me what my address had been in Berlin and I couldn't remember it. Bizarre feeling. Do you remember the shoes you wore in fifth grade? of the telephone number at you childhood home? Kind of like that feeling. Of course as soon as I walked back out onto the street it rolled onto my tongue. Meisenbusch 6. I knew it started with an 'M'.

Everyone keeps complimenting me on my German - I think it's probably because 1. I don't say much and 2. I have a pretty good accent. I know how to mimic speech patterns in the language and it's amazingly satisfying to do so. This is all so dangerous though because then people don't think I'm foreign -- I don't get a handicap even though I kind of want one! Sometimes I'm tempted to whip out my American accent so they know.

Really though it's just that, well, big surprise, I'm totally afraid of making an ass out of myself. It's one of those qualities I really wish I could toss. So this means I don't say much. I'm nervous a lot. It's exhausting I feel a bit like Amelie always going straight home to my apartment. At least she had a cat. the thing is I love exploring but I love exploring with backup.

Confidence is really building every day though. Little victories, like successfully completing any verbal interaction with a store clerk. Talking to friendly, helpful people. Helping old people. I helped an old woman cross the street the other day and today an old man thought I worked at the aforementioned 'Bürger Service Center' and asked me where he could get the right form for something having to do with old people. I had no idea but i could at least explain to him where to ask.

Once I get myself into the idea of enjoying the process, it all starts to look up. It's kind of like a new relationship when you think, why isn't it more comfortable to ____ ? but then you realize it WILL be eventually and goddamn it it wouldn't be as much fun if you got the whole package at once. Like lindsay once said about good friends...they need upkeep, evolution, always something new to discover so that you get closer and closer to hold tight.

the tree outside my balcony is getting it's leaves. every day a little more green.

In other Bremen news:
I feel like I'm constantly going to get run over by bikes here. They all ride on these red brick strips on the sidewalk and they're actually not allowed to ride in the street in most places. Germans take their cars very seriously. Whereas on a bicycle it is common enough to talk on the cell phone or smoke a cigarette. I think in the US it might be exactly the other way around, nicht? Oh! and it's hilarious how the pedestrians won't cross the street unless the little green man is lit. The street could be 7 feet across and the people will just pile up on both sides, waiting. I had to see on eperson break the rules before I had the gall to walk on red myself, but now it's me out there - representing Boston as jaywalker nummer eins. i'll probably be arrested. Or run over. Let's hope not.

So now that I'm getting settled I'm realiying that ithis is actually just what I had been begging for -- plenty of free time and some mindless labor so I can relax and maybe work on my own things. but without that whole comfort and confidence and social preening part. I plan on cooking a lot, doing yoga, all the things you don't have time to do right when everything in your REAL life is yelling at youl. hm. which one IS my real life?

Oh and, um, I got all A's again. GodDAMNIT. I'm so disappointed. To think I could have done so much less this semester...

Check out my flickr page. Eventually I'll get better at working the photos into the text...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gretamerrick/

Carleton...or somebody...can you tell me how to link my flickr page to my blog so you see the little pictures that are links to flickr...you know what I mean...I'm so helpless..

finally

hallo. na?

it's finally here. me and a computer together...sogar mit internet! because it took far too long for this to happen (you'd think germany would be more up on these things, no?) and because i'm working with a german keyboard (z and y positions swapped, shift and ' in the wrong place, still can't find the 'at' symbol and thus can't log onto mzspace, er, myspace) this will probably be a haphazard post. also it's my first ever blog experience. eek.

all that said here's the news. after an incredibly emotional last week in boston i boarded a klm royal dutch airlines flight out of logan with tissues in hand and a bag full of antibiotics, advil, tylenol pm, and giant water bottle. heart swollen against the sides of my ribcage just like my tonsils against my throat (but without the white spots). It hurts like hell to swallow like the feeling of four months pressing on my chest.

that's the tough thing about the beginning. there's nothing to calm the dread of long term commitment. i know beginnings are the hardest, i've done this before. i just have to keep reminding myself. it makes me think i understand artists better. like what would help is to have something personal to work on, to go home to in my little room and throw myself into. some expression other than social, because social's not what i got right now. but, as always when i feel this way, i know that eventually the social aspect will grow and i won't have time or energy for creation. god, is that really the only way i work? we'll see...

god, this is a little weird, this 'writing to the world' thing. i must admit i'm a little self conscious.

but what about the details? that's what you all want to know anyway, right? first off, bremen is about the population of boston...not counting cambridge, brookline, etc. so in other words it's a bit smaller. and the downtown is definitely smaller. but so much older. i'll post pictures soon. my apartment is in a not so cute neighborhood, but it's at least an easy walk to the office downtown. i live with one other girl, a grad student from eritrea who speaks only english! She's been very kind and helpful and is not the 6 foot large-lipped model i envisioned (duh) but rather definitively shorter than me with a soothing voice. what language do they speak in eritrea i wonder?

living on my own like this is completely more comfortable than my previous family life situation in berlin three years ago. i went grocery shopping yesterday (first i had to wander about aimlessly to find a store) and cooked a little meal in our little kitchen. I'm feeling so disconnected without a computer, cell phone, or even speakers for my walkman. I can only listen to music inside my head. I fried my alarm clock and the cord to my speakers already, thinking I had the right kind of transformer for this damned European voltage. Fortunately though, that forced me to turn on the radio and as I was flipping through I caught the german pronounced words: 'camera obscura'. 'Ha!' I thought, wouldn't that be amazing if they were actually talking about the band. something made me go back and sure enough...that's what they were playing. Followed shortly by talula gosh, casiotone for the painfully alone, morrissey...so they're out there, I just have to find them.

That, I must say, is one of the more difficult aspects of moving somewhere completely new. Finding your niche, the one that makes you feel safe, cool, at home. Wandering around the first couple times everyone just looked so ... so ... foreign...but in this oddly undesirable sort of way. uncool. not like going to Italy (as I imagine it) and seeing beautiful stylish foreigners who you could only hope to emulate. So this has made my hipster sonar come into its own - eyes peeled for a white belt, racer bike (all the bikes here are so weird...hugely tall, with ugly handlebars). and the shoes, it's amazing what you can tell about someone by their shoes. Nationality especially. At any rate, I'm beginning to get a sense that what I'm looking for is out there. For one thing the people at work. The office looks like, well, a design firm. Open spaces and young hip kids posing as professionals in jeans. There's really only 8 or so of us total. The big boss, Florian, who I met in Boston last December (remember the leftover pepper-encrusted tuna you stallions?) is out of town...actually in Amsterdam where the other office is. Oh and I think I found the district, known as 'Der Viertel', simply 'THE quarter' where the cool kids live. Little german williamsburg.

Data entry and slide scanning today. Better than making coffee I suppose. Feels good to do simple mindless work though after thinking about what to say all the time.

psst. thanks for listening. it makes me feel more alive.